Ran the Race for Freedom in Antioch yesterday, and after a truly miserable run the preceding Saturday, my legs and feet weighed heavy with doubt. The tiny, dissenting voice in the back of my head whispered, "You can't do this." When that statement was overridden by logic, the voice wheedled, "Well, sure, you can finish it, but you won't be able to run it the way you want to." Earlier this summer, I vowed that I would never give up any gains. That I would run each race faster than the last. I read that strong runners run each lap stronger than the one prior, and I'm trying to learn to read my body so that I can do the same. It ain't easy!

The night before, Dave and I ate dinner at Red Lobster. I ate 1.5 of those cursed cheddar biscuits...and a heavenly amount of snow crab. Leaving the restaurant, I wondered whether or not I'd be able to digest the lump in my stomach (perhaps I overdid the carb-loading), but I've learned that my body digests protein uber-efficiently. Sho'nuff, by morning I was hungry. But not starving. After eating a banana and slamming some coffee, my body was confident that we did alright on the food front.

Drove over to Dave's parents' house to grab our numbers and out the door. I had #601. A good, solid prime number. Pinned it over my newly aquired red adidas tank (ideal fit, ideal wick, love it) and looked at myself in the mirror. My confidence was deflated, but I was committed and ready.

When we got to the start line a mere 1.5 hours after waking up, my legs realized they had a task. I felt my quads and glutes twitching, apparently they were ready to run, regardless of what my mind said. There were hundreds of people, old, young...clad in fleece, in coolmax...in bright new shoes; in dirtied, well-worn shoes...with makeup, without...such a great diversity of fashion in Smalltown, USA. There was a distinct lack of ethnicity, but a good deal of patriotic spirit.

When the horn sounded, I was off. Since there was a huge mess of people in front of me, I drafted behind two tall high-school kids. I weaved when they weaved, I boosted when they boosted...and then, I had clearance. I fell off their pace and tried to find my own. Imagine my horror when a few moments later, I passed the first mile marker and it read 9:20. A mess of thoughts occurred simultaneously:

- Shit! I forgot to start my chronometer! (Begin furious punching of random watch buttons while trying to run in a straight line)
- Shit! I can't run that fast!
- Shit! The clock says 9:20, but I probably crossed the start line at 00:20!
- Shit! Wow! Shit, I can't keep this up!

And my favorite...

- Shit! I have to pee!

And thus begins the doublethink. I have to slow down because I know that I am physically incapable of maintaining a sub-10 pace. But I need to speed up because my bladder keeps crossing and uncrossing its legs. The opposing forces propel me up a series of slight inclines to mile marker 2. Once it's in sight, I sprint a bit to get close enough to read the time. 19:10. What?? A 9:50 mile? I can't do this!! It's getting really hot by this point, and the water they hand us is welcome, but warm. But this is the magic mile. Ahead, I see families in their driveways, sitting on folding chairs, standing with arms crossed, but positioned to watch the runners go by. They clap, they smile, they encourage strangers with their enthusiasm. Several of them have positioned sprinklers pointed into the course, to relieve runners of the heat. Others have set up un-sanctioned water stops. This is the kind of Midwest hospitality you are not likely to find anywhere else. I pant a breathless "thank you" to those within earshot. A pre-teen boy stands at the curb, trigger finger on the hose, eagerly waiting for a runner to nod. This is the signal for him to let loose a gushing stream of cool water. He grins a freckled grin.

In front of me, a middle-school aged girl runs smooth. Long tan legs matched in length by her subdued, single ponytail, black shorts with the word "viper" printed across the butt in Courier, no nonsense yellow cotton t-shirt. The girl runs like a breeze. I envy not her age, but her form! It amazes me to see adolescent coltishness replaced by a runners' grace. By the way she holds herself, I doubt she has any idea. She later claims a division placement. I suspect it's because she finished, then doubled-back for more. Beautiful kid, quiet confidence. We should all have that self-possession.

During the third and final mile, I'm more focused on running in the shade and through sprinklers than I am on form. I am concentrated not on pace, but on not tinkle-ing down my leg. I try playing my favorite game, "What am I going to eat for breakfast?" It works till I hit 2.75 miles. Then I realize that I've been focusing on the wrong goal for the last 6 minutes, and now it's time to get serious. I do roll call. Breathing? Check. Feet? Check. Lungs? Check. I am more or less in good shape, and the remainder of the course appears flat. One, two, inhale. One, two, exhale. 3 mile marker. Where's the pace clock? It's at the end, Carolyn. You gotta get there to get your time. I round the corner and there it is. It's ticking...31:47. Dear God, my last 5k, I hit 31:58. My first time under 32 minutes. My heart renews itself as I realize that I am in range of a new PR. From who-knows-where, I get a second wind and before I know it, my legs have kicked into overdrive and my arms are pumping. I pass about a dozen runners and everything around me has gone silent. It's just me, and the clock. I cross the line, kicking high, at 31:57. It isn't until much later that I remember..."No, Carolyn. You did not cross the start line at 0:00."

I finished in 31:31. A 10:09 pace. 450th place overall, and 22nd in my division. I've cut 8 seconds off my mile. I am the fastest female runner, between the ages of 30-34 from Chicago. Then again, I am also the only runner in my division from Chicago. Alas, I came in as "Unknown Runner." But no matter. I know. :)

Well, yesterday was a bummer! After helping Manish and Neha move, we went to Eleven City Diner for dinner. Where I was proud to have ordered the deli scramble, two eggs scrambled with a slice of corned beef and a slice of pastrami and some cheddar. I figured that out to be 8 points. But then we got cheese fries for the table and I probably used up all the banked points I had on at least six creamy bites. What's silly is that they don't even taste that good when you think about it, it's just the creamy texture that really does it for me. So I'll have to watch out for that going forward. But, as the book says, don't get absorbed by the momentum of slipping. A lot of times, I tend to say, "Oops, I slipped once, I may as well take the rest of the day off." When in actuality, I should say, "Oops, I just slipped. I better stop slipping now."

So okay. The good news is that I picked up a sashimi party platter at the Korean grocery store yesterday. On Wednesdays, they go on sale from $32 to $20. An amazing deal, especially when you split the whole thing with a girlfriend. I dropped Sandra's half off at work this morning. With the exception of the salmon, any sashimi is 1 point for four pieces. I had four pieces for breakfast and mixed it into a salad again for lunch. Tonight, I will likely make myself some sushi and miso soup. Yum.

Food Diary:
B -
4 slices sashimi, 1 pt.
coffee w/ cream, 1 pt.

MMS -
string cheese, 1 pt.

L -
salad w/ sashimi and dressing, 4 pts.
bean jelly, 2 pts.

MAS -
2 wasa crispbread, 0 pts
1 wedge laughing cow cheese, 1 pt.

Activity Diary:
rest day

Weight:
rest day

Dragged myself out of bed this morning...one of those days where I'm just really dragging. I think it's probably the onset of PMS though, as next week it's that damn TOM. I did manage to slog through a 2.1 mile run on the treadmill and weight training. There's this strategy I'm reading about in the Thin Commandments, called Box It In and Box It Out. Boxing in foods means allowing yourself to indulge in treats only in specific situations. For example, only eating cupcakes at birthday parties. And to not feel guilty about it when you do eat that cupcake. I think I may try that and allow myself one double-cheeseburger from Byron's when TOM comes over. At least I'll have something to look forward to. Boy, wouldn't that change things. Box It Out is a strategy for foods that are super trigger foods that you can't stop eating when you start. For a lot of people, it's cookies, chips, etc. I think for me, it might be white wine. Not any other kind of alcohol, not even sangria. But once I have one glass of white wine, I can't say no to another. *sigh* I may have to just Box that one out too.

Food Diary -
B:
Blueberries, milk, ice, splenda, blender, 2 pts

MMS:
Egg, 2 pts

L:
Salad and salmon sashimi w/ 1 T sesame ginger dressing, 3 pts
String cheese, 1 pt
Pita chips, 2 pts

Activity Diary -
2.1 miles, weights, 5 pts

We're helping Manish and Neha move this evening, then heading over to the Jewish deli across the street. If I'm good, I just may have some of their mac and cheese!

Why is there always a wall? There are so many days where I look at my wall and think, "Now that's impossible." Every cell in my body is yelling for a puffy Cheeto, a Big Mac, a full-on beer ferchrissakes! I wish I could eat a ribeye and drink a bottle of cabernet without counting points and laughing the whole time.

Newsflash to me, I'm not young anymore. The older we get, the more we have to be conscious of our bodies, if we want to stay slim and seductive, that is. Of course, I see lots of women that are larger and seductive, but for me personally, I want to be able to run far and fast. It's more about me, I think, than what society thinks I should be. Yet at the same time, I'd like to be thin and healthy for me, not for society.

And that's why I threw out the Victoria's Secret catalog with the great deals on bikinis. I'd like to look hot for me, and I'd really like to run 3 miles without sweating. At all.

I wonder, are there women out there who really live life trim and healthy, without having to work at it?

Ah, that was nice. Went to the gym expecting a step class, and I mixed up my days and it turns out tonight was kickboxing. Excellent! I haven't taken a kickboxing class in about 8 months, and I've forgotten how much fun it is. Tonight's instructor was a bit peppy for my taste...perky boobs, bob and ass with a dash of slouchy socks and high-top reeboks...but it was a good cardio workout. Got home, ate a salad with salmon sashimi and am waiting for snow crab to steam. I love summer in Chicago, primarily because Jewel and Dominick's pretty much alternate between $4.99/lb. snow crab.

Here's a before picture:

Here's where I'd like to be, this was me three years ago and probably 10-15 pounds lighter?

Second SSLD...yesterday wasn't too bad. Stuck to my guns and just had broccoli cheese soup for dinner, but I also had a couple slices of bread with that. Though, I did walk from work to a meeting at school, so that activity will probably even out the bread. I also tried a Revolution Tea, which was really nice. Smelled incredible, just like raspberries, and was light and refreshing. Also good to know that I'm not putting any more high fructose corn syrup into my body than I have to. :)

Today is the second day I need to stick to low points.

Food Diary
B -
1 light multi-grain Thomas english muffin, 1 pt
1 slice FF Kraft single, 1 pt
1 boca sausage patty, 1 pt

L -
salad w/ 2T blue cheese, 4 pts
Idahoan mashed potatoes, 2 pts

Activity Diary
Going to step class tonight, 5 pts

Weight: 151 lb.

For dinner tonight, I think I'll add some sashimi tuna to the salad fricasse I picked up at Costco last weekend, and steamed snow crab ($4.99/lb at Jewel!), and a glass of wine. All after a step class, of course. Doing okay on the water intake, have had 1/4 my daily requirement. I feel pretty good, but I felt better when I threw out the victoria's secret catalog of impossibilities. :)

My first SSLD (super super low day). According to the CJ plan, this is the first of two days during which I need to bank 10 points per day (including food and activity).

Think I'm on track so far, I made sure to eat something for breakfast before going to the gym. Then after the gym, I had a mid-morning snack...and I'm aiming to drink half my weight in water to flush out the yuckies. So that would be 75 ounces of water per day. Ungh. So far, I've had 15 ounces.

Food Diary
B -
South Beach Denver Burrito, 2 pts
Coffee w/ FF cream, 1 pt

MMS (mid-morning snack)
Hard boiled egg, 2 pts
String cheese, 1 pt

L -
1/4 C egg noodles, 1 pt
1/4 piece center loin pork chop, 3 pts
cucumber salad, 0

Activity Diary
Ran 2.25 miles, 24 min
Weights: Upper back, 30 min.
6 APs

Weight: 151.25 lb.

Tonight, meeting Dave and the Kellers at Millenium Park to listen to Yo Yo Ma, will probably have soup from Soupbox. Will order Broccoli Cheese to use up the rest of my food points, and the one extra activity point. Yum. Will also stick to water all day.

A NEW BEGINNING
This blog is intended to hold me accountable to weight loss. About six years ago, I weighed 171 lb. And none of that was from weight in the right places. I never really minded until my parents said, "You've gained a lot of weight, and there's no way you're going to be able to lose that weight."

It wasn't in a mean or derogatory manner, it was just a statement. That's when I first looked in the mirror, and that's when I first realized that it wasn't all that much fun being in my 20s and wearing a size 12 or 14. I joined Weight Watchers and ended up losing 35 pounds in 10 months. I felt great and had two pairs of size 4 jeans from Banana Republic. (Okay, maybe they are cut more generously, but it was still an ego boost.) I was 136 pounds and very proud of myself. :)

Now I'm back up to 151 pounds. I'm still a size 8, and I think some of the weight gain is actually muscle mass from running and lifting 5 days a week. Some of it's also probably changing metabolism as I get older. Ideally, I'd like to get back down to 140 lb., and this blog is intended to keep me accountable to that goal.

I'll post food logs and weigh-ins starting Monday. I'll be changing it up a bit this time and following the CJ plan, which is supposed to kick start a stalled metabolism. Guess we'll see! :)